Why do I hear criticism even when the other person isn’t criticising me?
Perhaps you know this.
Your partner asks you:
"Why didn't you text me to say you'd be late?"
Or says:
"Isn't it finished yet?"
At first glance, these are ordinary questions.
Maybe they simply need to know when you'll be home.
Maybe they are just asking something practical.
But suddenly, something tightens inside you.
Tension appears.
Maybe anger.
Maybe shame.
Maybe a need to defend yourself.
And suddenly, you feel as though you have done something terribly wrong.
Why?
At first glance, it seems as though your partner is criticising you.
But my experience has shown me something slightly different.
MAYBE WHAT HURTS YOU ISN'T WHAT YOUR PARTNER SAYS.
MAYBE WHAT HURTS YOU IS THE MEANING YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM GIVES TO THEIR WORDS.
How is that possible?
When we were children, we learned not only the meaning of words.
We also learned what they meant for our safety.
If we grew up in an environment where criticism meant rejection...
...where making a mistake led to shouting...
...or where we felt we had to be good enough all the time...
our nervous system may have created a simple connection.
Criticism = danger.
And that is why we sometimes hear something completely different from what the other person actually said.
Your partner says:
"Isn't it finished yet?"
And our body hears:
"You can't manage anything properly."
Even deeper:
"You are not enough."
And this is often where our reaction begins.
Not with that one sentence.
But with our sense of self-worth.
And this is where, I believe, a big misunderstanding begins.
WE THINK WE ARE REACTING TO OUR PARTNER'S WORDS.
MY EXPERIENCE IS THAT VERY OFTEN WE ARE REACTING TO THE MEANING WE LEARNED TO GIVE THOSE WORDS A LONG TIME AGO.
Our nervous system does not listen only to the content of a sentence.
Above all, it listens for the question:
AM I SAFE RIGHT NOW?
If the answer is no...
the whole body prepares to defend itself.
Maybe you start defending yourself.
Maybe you withdraw.
Maybe you get angry.
Not because you want to.
But because your body has come to believe that it is in danger.
This does not mean that the other person always communicates perfectly.
Sometimes they really are criticising you.
Sometimes they speak insensitively.
Sometimes they behave in ways that hurt.
It is important not to minimise that.
But in my experience, two different things often become merged into one.
What the other person actually said.
And what their words awakened in us.
And that is why our reaction can be much stronger than the situation itself seems to call for.
THIS IS WHAT WE WORK WITH IN BETRUE.
We do not focus only on whether your partner was right.
Nor do we look for someone to blame.
We are interested in something else.
What happened inside you at the moment you heard that sentence?
What feelings appeared?
What felt so threatening about it?
And my experience is that when someone can safely meet this very place inside themselves, something very interesting begins to happen.
Next time, your partner may say exactly the same sentence.
But your body may no longer hear it as an attack on your worth.
AND THIS IS WHERE, I BELIEVE, GREATER FREEDOM BEGINS.
Not because your partner changes.
Nor because you will never hear a critical remark again.
But because your nervous system gradually stops translating every comment as proof that there is something wrong with you.
MAYBE YOU ARE NOT REACTING TO WHAT YOUR PARTNER IS SAYING.
MAYBE YOU ARE REACTING TO THE MEANING YOU LEARNED TO GIVE THESE SITUATIONS A LONG TIME AGO.
And that is something completely different.
If you recognised yourself in this, perhaps you are already beginning to see that the answer is not to learn how to tolerate criticism better.
Nor is it to convince yourself not to take it personally.
If you are curious about how we work in BeTrue with what lies beneath these reactions, I would be happy to hear from you. I would be glad to show you what a path can look like where not every comment has to threaten your sense of worth.